American Gladiator

My parents were worried when, at 7 years old, I told anyone who asked that I wanted to be an American Gladiator when I grew up.

When at 13 I was still telling them I wanted to be an American Gladiator, the worry was elevated to extreme concern coupled with anxiety attacks and therapy.

Sometime after American Gladiator was cancelled, I shifted my attention to becoming a reporter, instead of drinking steroid cocktails and wailing on people while wearing metallic spandex.
But, as they say, you can take the Girl out of American Gladiator, but you can't take American Gladiator out of the Girl.

I was quick to sign up for the Women's Rugby team at the University of Georgia when it was resurrected in my junior year. And after a short stint at fly half where I was responsible for a lot of passing and ball handling I switched to flanker, where tackling was essentially the only job. I felt like it was the first thing in my life I was born to do.

I also picked up weight lifting in college and was amazed at how quickly my body responded. Some would say it was slightly too responsive as I dropped to 18 percent body fat and noticed that my lats could actually pop out and retract like ladybug wings. You can see them, there, in the rock climbing photo. Rock climbing, please note, is a lot like climbing the cargo net wall on American Gladiators. I also took up Adventure Racing and liked the obstacle course events, like the mud pit, the best.

So, long story longer, when I found out American Gladiator was coming back, I was freaking EXCITED. It's like I've been training for years. And now, I'm actually old enough and possibly in shape enough to compete.

Then I made the mistake of actually watching American Gladiator remix. Please, God, tell me it wasn't always this cheesy. I mean, it couldn't have been, right? I didn't have brain injury as a kid or anything and I had lived for this show. And I'd wanted to be a Gladiator. Lace, in fact. I wanted my name to be Lace (Was there a real Gladiator named Lace? I can't remember).

As I watched the show, I was distracted by that big guy, Titan, the absolute ringleader of cheese. Any kid without brain injury could never idolize that guy, I told myself? But then the wussy red contestant — a fully grown man, mind you — got hurt after his second basket in power ball after, who was it? Mayhem? laid the smack down on him. And the wussy red guy said: "Titan, if I don't make it back, you're the reason I got into weight lifting man." And Titan came running over and got down on one knee and cooed over the guy. "This guy's a warrior man. This guy's a true champion." Barf! I think the steroids have inflated the part of his brain that controls cheesiness.

At 6'3", 251 pounds, my guess is that Titan breaks down like this: 200 pounds muscle, 50.9 pounds cheese, .089 pounds brain and .001 pounds nutsack (you know what steroids do).

Then there's the Wolf guy. Wolverine, or Wolf man. Whatever. He howls. He looks really crazy. Where'd they find that guy? Skid Row? Seriously. Something's not right with him.

Plus you've got the Cheesy banter the Hulk is perpetuating between every event. Every event. "How'd that go?" "You were a maniac out there." "You got wet but you're not even worried because the bull rider lady stepped on your pedestal and you know that's illegal."

And don't even get me started on Helga. Seriously?

All of it: lame lame lame.

As an additional critique, they've redone the studio so that it's harder to see the action. Where are the lights? And the camera angles are less than satisfying. Then there's the pool. You have to swim under fire in the pool: fire that could never touch you because it appears to be burning on Plexiglas. What's the point? Several of the disciplines now end up pushing contestants or Gladiators into the water, including joust and assault, during which Gladiators are flung through the air via a cable attached to their cheesy, metallic costumes. Seems like a lot of effort for a cheap dunking booth stunt. And I love the way they celebrate the winners of the obstacle course while contestant No. 2 is still fledgling along. The poor bull rider lady who wanted to get her mom out of the trailer was just crashing through the wall when the fitness model red contestant was hugging her kids post Hulk interview in the stands. Mental note: if you make it onto American Gladiators, do not come in second in the obstacle course.

The only thing that was pretty great about the show was that when Helga got tossed during the assault, she did a full on belly flop from about 30 feet up into the pool. Production staff maybe should have practiced that stunt a couple times before launching the 205-pound Helga. As Steve Carrell says: Ouchy.

So despite my disappointment at the overwhelming cheese and the "lets-make-the-show-worse-than-the-original" changes, the allure of competing with and potentially beating down a Gladiator still burns inside me. There are casting calls and I'm making arrangements. And in the meantime, the Gladiators better start eating their Wheaties.

Yeah Helga. I'm talking to you.